Sunday, February 25, 2018

A glimpse into grief

It's so unpredictable...grief.

The wave comes crashing in without warning.

A glance in the mirror and I see all of the gray hair I accumulated in the last few months....much like her hair.
Its very texture and the way it lays....just like hers.

Emotion starts to seep out.

My crooked right pinky...just. like. hers.

A tear falls...yet a smile appears.

The sound of her laughter...exactly like mine.
I am my mother's daughter...
there is no doubt.

Sometimes I have to stop to catch my breath as I speak or say a certain phrase, as if she's the ventriloquist and I am the doll moving my mouth but...

it's her voice I hear.

Seeing her winter coat, along with the rest of her clothes still sitting in the garage on top of boxes, just as I left them after bringing her belongings home from the nursing home last July.

I cry uncontrollably as I see the untouched pile, collecting dust and cobwebs.
I could not bare to go through them then...

I can't now.

I'm still not ready.

But they're just clothes, I remind myself.

But...

they're my mother's clothes.

I chuckle as I imagine her rockin' that size 7 robe she said she ordered long ago for when she got to heaven. 😉

So, really...it's all good.

Funny thing, though...being the one left behind.

I know she's never been happier.
Never been more joyful.
Never been more healthy.
No tears.
No fear.

She's with Jesus!

She's Home!

Glory!!!

But I miss her.

Living between this world and heaven.

Grief.

Crazy, unpredictable grief.

I think I need to wear a life jacket at all times...for when that wave comes crashing in again.