One Week In (Originally posted on FB but added to the blog)

(Originally posted on Facebook)

July 13, 2017

A peek into my crazy, grieving mind...

Dive right in...

Or scroll on by. 

Either way is fine.

It's REALLY long. 

Maybe I should get my blog going again???

Today marks one week since mom took her last breath here...

and her first in heaven. 

Pain.

Joy!

Where did these 7 days go? 

Time seems to have stood still for me.

Must be that stuck-in-the-jello feeling I have going on.

The wave of grief is an unpredictable one and today I found myself so emotional....

So sad.

It really started to hit me the other day as I received mail about mom's Medicare benefits ending at the end of the month because she "passed away".

Or the name change from hers to mine on some of her mail. 

It somehow automatically happened. 

...They know. 

The word is getting out.

Yesterday I sat down with a good friend who happens to be the funeral coordinator at our church and who also served with mom in prison ministry for quite a few years. 

We talked through mom's celebration of life and what that might look like.

Difficult.

Surreal.

This must be a bad dream.

Wake up!

Not a dream.

Pain.

Yet so BEAUTIFUL...

...thinking of mom and how we should celebrate her life.

Joy-filled!

There is much to talk about when it comes to Jeannine and how God has worked in and through her life in 70 years.

And so the planning begins.

Today I received flowers from the hospice organization, sending their condolences. 

They also sent a card with pamphlets and other bereavement-type information immediately following mom's passing into Glory.

Glory!

So amazing!

Joy!

Anyway, I'm sure it's normal practice for them to send flowers at the one-week mark. 

Reminder of mom's absence from this earth.

Pain.

Yet....

Joy!

And today the call came to say that mom's ashes are ready to be picked up.

Wait.

Stop.

What?

Her ASHES are ready to. be. picked. up.

Reality.

Pain.

But joy! 

Because of Jesus!

She's not here!

She's with Jesus!

But...

She's. not. here.

Pain.

Tears.

Jello.

The grieving process doing its thing.

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I still can't seem to open her purse or go through her clothes. 

I tried...

but pulling her gloves out of her jacket pocket was too much.

Too soon.

Not ready yet.

It's ok.

Grieve.

I did manage to go through her (super thick, I mean, as-thick-as-her-bible-kind-of-thick.) address book that had her big, beautiful, penmanship written all through it. 

She lost the ability to write in her usual "Jeannine" penmanship at least a couple of years ago, so it was really nice to see it in its glory again.

Glory!

Side note...I mastered her signature when I was in high school. 

Big and flowy was the name of the game. 

Ha! I was such a delinquent. 

And that's only scratching the surface. 😉

I began calling and emailing mom's childhood friends.

Her high school sweetheart.

Prisons she volunteered as chaplain at.

and others who lived far away but would want to know that...

...she's dancing in Glory now.

Joy!

Yet...

Pain.

I searched Facebook for those whose numbers were no longer in service or emails that came back because they were no longer active. 

I did have success in finding everyone so far...

...except one. 

I'll keep searching.

I finally completed mom's obituary and sent it to the funeral home so they could get it out to the newspapers. 

It took forever to write...for so many reasons. 

I obsessed over words, names, format, etc.

Did I say enough?

Did I say too much?

Does it honor her?

Exhausting.

Task completed.

I finally called my dad back after he left the sweetest message a week ago. I've been swimming in this jello of grief and could not seem to pick up the phone to call him.

They've been divorced since I was 5 years old...

but I came from BOTH of them.

And now one important piece is missing.

Pain.

But so good to talk to my dad. 

He's good at keeping things in perspective. 

He's a realist. 

I love my Pops.

So much!

I am mentally exhausted.

Yet joy-filled.

She's with Jesus.

Joy

and

pain

can

exist

together.

I've spent the last 5 years caring for mom in one way or another and am now at a bit of a loss. 

Yet....

God has been gracious enough to bring to mind, SO MANY good things.

ONLY the good things.

Grateful.

Thankful.

Such grace has been given.

I have received beautiful, inspiring, tear-filled messages from people that mom has impacted over her lifetime.

So overwhelming.

I am so encouraged by the legacy she has left...

here.

Yet this makes me miss her even more.

My mom.

Grief.

Pain.

Joy.

Grief.

Pain.

Joy...

And Jesus.

Thank You and Some Other Thoughts (originally posted on FB but added to the blog)

(Originally posted on Facebook)

July 7, 2017

Thank you to everyone who took a moment to post condolences, prayers, thoughts, or stories about my mom.

This is a very surreal time right now and the shock is beginning to wear off. 

Even though my mom's battle with her health issues had been going on for a few years and 2 years ago the doctors said she would only have 18 months left, I was never fully prepared for her actual last breath here.

Her actual exit from this world…

...never to be seen again on this earth.  (that fact is going to take awhile to sink in)

Last Wednesday, June 28th...

I was faced with the reality that my mom was entering her last days and 

I 

could

not 

stop

it.

I HAD to face the inevitable.

It was so painful and frightening to think about, to be honest. 

But there was NO turning back.

I wanted to stay by her side until that last moment. 

I did not want her to be scared. 

Or anxious. 

Or alone.

But here’s the REALITY that I was reminded of OVER and OVER these last few days…

…Mom was READY.

She was 

READY 

to 

LIVE!

To be FREE from the chains of this life!

She had stated multiple times that she was ready to see Jesus. 

In fact, as she was in a semi-responsive state, when I asked if she was ready to see Jesus, she opened her eyes wide and excitedly asked...

“When?” 

I told her she would see Him when God was ready to bring her Home. 

She smiled and then closed her eyes to rest. 

A couple of weeks earlier when I was explaining hospice care to her, I told her that if she chose this option she would be seeing Jesus sooner. 

She once again, opened her eyes and joyously asked...

“Really?!” 

And then closed her eyes to rest.

Her body was SO tired. 

It simply could NOT keep up anymore.

BUT her spirit was READY to soar! 

It was READY to FLY to JESUS 

...and LIVE!

She was NOT scared. 

NOT anxious.

NOT alone.

She had the Holy Spirit WITH her.

She was anticipating her Homegoing.

Can you EVEN imagine?

The HOPE she had was INCREDIBLE!

She had NO fear of leaving this earth.

but 

ONLY the HOPE of ETERNITY in HEAVEN.

And God blessed me with the gift of witnessing my mom's very last breath here.

It was the MOST DIFFICULT thing I have EVER witnessed...

yet the MOST BEAUTIFUL.

While I’m grieving the loss of my mom’s physical presence from this world,

I am rejoicing in the fact that she is finally seeing Jesus face to face…

and probably wearing the 

size 7 robe 

she ALWAYS said she wanted in heaven. Ha! Ha!

Be blessed and encouraged!

Fly to Jesus (originally posted on FB but added to the blog)

(Originally posted on Facebook)

July 5, 2017

"And with your final heartbeat 

Kiss the world goodbye 

Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and 

Fly to Jesus 

Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!"

-Chris Rice (song: Come to Jesus)

Mom passed into Glory this morning a little before 9am. 

My friend, Beth and I were here with her. 

She was so peaceful, and took her last breath after we were talking about her life over the years. 

It was quite beautiful. 

No pain, no discomfort...just breathed one last breath and she was gone. 

She has been ready to see Jesus for so long and she is now dancing with her Father God in fields of grace. 

A celebration of life service will be held at a later date, probably end of summer. Details will come as we figure everything out.

Getting Ready to Fly (originally posted on FB but added to the blog)

(Originally posted on Facebook)

June 30, 2017

The journey with my mom has been a long, difficult, yet beautiful one.

I looked at this flower that my kids gave her for Mother's Day and I first noticed the 

dried up, dead stems and leaves, and the fact that it hadn't been watered in some time. 

Then my eye followed it to the end of the stem where it is still green, which leads to 2 still vibrant, yellow flowers and a new bud attached. 

This hits me so profoundly as I sit with my mom, who is nearing the end of her life here on this earth. 

Her blood pressure is steadily decreasing.

She no longer gets out of bed.

Has eaten one small, solid meal in the last 36 hours. 

Her body may be failing, but her soul is still vibrant and like the new bud, waiting to open up to begin a new journey with Jesus.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

-Psalm 73:26

Above ALL Things... (originally posted on FB but added to the blog)

(Originally posted on Facebook)

June 14, 2017

As I have watched my mom's health decline and the dementia move in and take over, I can't help but notice how she no longer cares about the things she used to.

She no longer asks about her home.

Her "things".

The jail ministry she began so many years ago and loved with such a passion.

Her finances.

Her friends.

Her family.

The list goes on....

She no longer goes to any doctor or specialist appointments for her myriad of chronic health issues.

...She's tired.

This was the first year she didn't call me on my birthday.

Her grandkids' birthdays went by without a thought.

The things that once made her angry...or happy, for that matter, have faded into the distant background. 

Conversations with her are mostly one-sided and last for a few minutes at most. 

She is confused a lot of the time and struggles to 

breathe. 

eat. 

swallow. 

and has not walked in over 2 years.

BUT...

she knows when I'm sitting with her. 

She knows she is LOVED.

This is the ONLY thing that matters, when it all comes down to it. 

When all of the so-called "important" things are stripped away and you're left with merely existing day to day...

LOVE is what matters most.

Guess what?

LOVE matters most even when we have all of those "important" things in place.

She claimed Jesus years ago as her Lord and Savior and her Home is in heaven. 

That can not be stripped away from her. 

And because of LOVE, her eternity is secured. 

nothing. else. matters.

Why am I sharing all of this?

Because I'm tired of seeing people tear others down, whether it be 

our President. 

a neighbor. 

or a friend of a friend of a friend on Facebook.

Complaining about this or that.

Severed relationships.

Wanting things to go their way.

People walking away from friendships and other relationships because they just don't want to deal with the things that rub them the wrong way.

People thinking they are better than others.

Shall I go on?

I am not thinking of anyone in particular when I write these things, but am seeing it happen all over.

...including in myself.

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This past weekend, my kids and I watched a guy in the Wisconsin Dells, in his shiny red convertible corvette, wearing his gold chains and no shirt, thinking he's all that, strutting around, screaming and swearing at a mom in a minivan at a gas pump who was taking a little longer than he'd like. 

His patience while waiting behind her in line had worn out. 

Who does he think he is? 

How is he better than her? 

What gives him the right to intimidate this woman and her children? 

Seriously.

My mom no longer sees these crazy things happen.

She no longer thinks about politics.

The state of our country.

Her neighbor.

The hundreds of inmates she ministered to over the years.

Any of her other relationships.

Or even the shiny pink Cadillac she once had as an executive director with Mary Kay Cosmetics.

She no longer cares about having her "Mary Kay" face on or dressing up.

...She exists.

She sits in her wheelchair in her room and has the old westerns playing on her tv in the background. 

She does "participate" in activities such as music time or has coffee and treats with the other residents a couple times a day.

The simple things are enjoyed in that moment...

But then she is wheeled back to her room.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She enjoys watching the videos I show her of Josiah playing the drums or guitar and watching clips from Lydia's baseball or basketball games. 

She lights up, in fact, when she watches (with her eyes closed) and listens. 

Then she dozes off in her chair, labored in her breathing with no conversations to be had.

But she knows she is LOVED. 

Even if for a moment...she knows she is LOVED.

So while we're ranting about what's happening in our country.

Complaining about relationships.

Getting annoyed because we have to wait in line.

Striving to be "successful".

Wishing we had this or that.

Collecting all of our "things"...

we must remember what is most important.

LOVE.

I am so blessed to LOVE my mom by just being with her in the moment. 

All other things have been stripped away and God has shown me that in all of the years she and I did not get along or see eye to eye, there was always...

LOVE.

I was just blinded by all of my own 

pride.

anger.

and bitterness to see that. 

...To see LOVE.

But I am grateful now to have this time with her.

No talk of politics.

No talk of who is right or wrong.

No talk of would have, could have, should have.

Nobody is better than the other.

The ground is level at the foot of the cross.

Grace upon grace.

So....

Love one another better.

Care about others more.

Be selfless even when we don't feel like it.

Be compassionate toward everyone.

Be a loyal friend always...that means through thick and thin.

Reconcile with others whenever possible.

Find joy in the simple things every day.

Put the phone down and turn the computer off often.

Listen well.

Play with your kids even when there are "better" things to do.

Do good at every opportunity.

Lighten up...a lot.

LOVE above all things.