Then let God use you to minister grace to your brother in need...
This was one of the last lines in my very last blog post dated.........August 30,2013.
How appropriate that I would jump back into my blog now....after 4 years...
...and see this.
(btw...I did not remember what I had last written about., so it took a bit of my breath away. Go back to read it if you get a chance. The title is "What's that in your eye?"--For those who have FRACTURED RELATIONSHIPS... Please Read On.
4 years.
Much has happened in 4 years.
I'll pick up where I left off...
When I wrote my last post, God had been doing a lot of "cleaning house" [in my life].
My mom had been having health issues, was in and out of the hospital, and then going to transitional care to help get strength back so she could return to her home.
I should mention that we lived 10 minutes from each other after having moved from Chicago to Western Wisconsin 20 years ago. She moved in 1997 and I followed in 1998.
So I was the only family she had nearby.
To add to this
HEARTACHE...for both of us.
but even MORE HEARTACHE....for the ONE who made us and fashioned us.
...bitterness
...anger
...pride.
But this was difficult. painful.
how could I change the way I feel?
how could I walk along side of my mom when she was in need if we had this conflict between us?
So many years of baggage.
apparently, I held onto
huh.
interesting.
typical.
It's interesting that even in the believing that Jesus died for my sins, I still fought to take them back off the cross.
I fought to keep them...
...my bitterness
...my anger
...my pride
...
I.just.can't.do.this....(on my own)
I can't change.
I won't change.
I had good reason to FEEL the way I did.
I am justified in my feelings....right?
Jeremiah 17:9
A wise friend once (many times) reminded me that you can't trust feelings; can't trust your heart.
The heart is deceitful.
Only trust Truth. God's Truth.
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God had really been working on me...on my heart.
While I was wrestling with all of this, He chiseled away at me.
...shaping
...molding
...all the while, gently whispering His grace into my very being.
He constantly reminded me that His grace was sufficient. I did not need anything else.
I did not need to do this on my own...in my own power.
He was with me. He will do the work in me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Isaiah 41:10
Grace upon Grace was given
...to me
...to my mom
...to our relationship.
"God, help me to love mom the way YOU love her."
This was my simple prayer that I so often asked friends to pray along WITH me and FOR me.
He heard and He answered...so faithfully.
This was His will.
He made us and fashioned us.
Matthew 5:9
RESTORATION.
Thankful.
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For the next 21 months or so after the August, 2013 post, mom went back and forth from hospital to home, and each time I knew it was becoming less and less safe for her to be on her own, even with home health care coming in.
To make this long story short(er), I fast forward to May, 2015.
It was recommended that mom move to a nursing home...permanently. I was in agreement and was grateful for the place that she called home for the last 2 years of her life.
As her health steadily declined, she steadily became more content with where she was.
She was so well cared for.
God never left her.
Grace.
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The day she took her last breath was July 5, 2017 and I was blessed to be by her side.
I wrote quite a bit on Facebook about the last week of her journey on this earth, and this next series of blog posts to come is really a continuation of the journey that I am on.
(I'll repost those writings here sometime.)
I continue to dwell, in part, in a side dish that I like to call "the jello bowl of grief". It is unpredictable, but I am learning to ride the wave and go with the flow.
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Today was the day that I had to pick up her ashes at the funeral home. I was supposed to get them last week, but because of a miscommunication, I had to reschedule the "pick-up" for today.
It was the only day I could go because I would soon have to jump into a side dish of gravy that is called...the St. Croix County Fair. My daughter is showing her pig and we will be busy, busy, busy for the rest of the week.
I walked into the funeral home where there were 2 people standing inside the door to greet me and 2 behind a counter. I asked which person I should talk to about picking up my mom's ashes.
Pause.
here is that phrase that I have said a couple of other times...
picking.up.her.ashes.
Breathe.
One of the women behind the counter heard me and immediately disappeared for 5 seconds, then came back with what looked like a simple, medium-sized, white gift bag containing a plain white box, with the funeral home's name printed on the front of the bag.
My heart started to beat faster and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
The other woman placed a form in front of me that I was to sign so I could take her ashes home. After I printed and signed my name...
...I stared for a few seconds at the blank space where the date was to be printed.
The woman said, matter of factly, "It's July 18th."
I whispered with tears flowing freely...
"I know. It's my mom's birthday today."
Breathe, Wendi.
Just breathe.
How's THAT for a dramatic ending?
So, this was part my reality today...
The grieving process continues, yet I look forward to the county fair this week, pigs, kids, cheese curds, baseball, fun, more tears, and just riding the wave as it moves.
Grateful to feel deeply.
Grateful that God gives me words to express.
One of my prayers through blogging my thoughts is that not only will it help me process, but it might help others who may not have the words... to feel encouraged, comforted, understood, not alone.
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Side note: The images you see above were taken from my mom's bible, which I decided to open the other day.
I find it so comforting to see her pen marks throughout.
More of her legacy left behind.
The notes she's written, both on it's pages and on pieces of paper tucked in various spots throughout, in her beautiful, curvy penmanship, will be cherished.
I think I see another blog post coming...in time.
Blessings to you all, and be encouraged to...
Love one another...even when it's difficult.
Be kind...always.
Serve your neighbor...at every opportunity.
Be selfless...even when nobody else is.
Cherish time with others.
Give grace to someone in need.
BTW..we are ALL in need of Grace.
And may you find joy through the tears.
