One Week In (Originally posted on FB but added to the blog)

(Originally posted on Facebook)

July 13, 2017

A peek into my crazy, grieving mind...

Dive right in...

Or scroll on by. 

Either way is fine.

It's REALLY long. 

Maybe I should get my blog going again???

Today marks one week since mom took her last breath here...

and her first in heaven. 

Pain.

Joy!

Where did these 7 days go? 

Time seems to have stood still for me.

Must be that stuck-in-the-jello feeling I have going on.

The wave of grief is an unpredictable one and today I found myself so emotional....

So sad.

It really started to hit me the other day as I received mail about mom's Medicare benefits ending at the end of the month because she "passed away".

Or the name change from hers to mine on some of her mail. 

It somehow automatically happened. 

...They know. 

The word is getting out.

Yesterday I sat down with a good friend who happens to be the funeral coordinator at our church and who also served with mom in prison ministry for quite a few years. 

We talked through mom's celebration of life and what that might look like.

Difficult.

Surreal.

This must be a bad dream.

Wake up!

Not a dream.

Pain.

Yet so BEAUTIFUL...

...thinking of mom and how we should celebrate her life.

Joy-filled!

There is much to talk about when it comes to Jeannine and how God has worked in and through her life in 70 years.

And so the planning begins.

Today I received flowers from the hospice organization, sending their condolences. 

They also sent a card with pamphlets and other bereavement-type information immediately following mom's passing into Glory.

Glory!

So amazing!

Joy!

Anyway, I'm sure it's normal practice for them to send flowers at the one-week mark. 

Reminder of mom's absence from this earth.

Pain.

Yet....

Joy!

And today the call came to say that mom's ashes are ready to be picked up.

Wait.

Stop.

What?

Her ASHES are ready to. be. picked. up.

Reality.

Pain.

But joy! 

Because of Jesus!

She's not here!

She's with Jesus!

But...

She's. not. here.

Pain.

Tears.

Jello.

The grieving process doing its thing.

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I still can't seem to open her purse or go through her clothes. 

I tried...

but pulling her gloves out of her jacket pocket was too much.

Too soon.

Not ready yet.

It's ok.

Grieve.

I did manage to go through her (super thick, I mean, as-thick-as-her-bible-kind-of-thick.) address book that had her big, beautiful, penmanship written all through it. 

She lost the ability to write in her usual "Jeannine" penmanship at least a couple of years ago, so it was really nice to see it in its glory again.

Glory!

Side note...I mastered her signature when I was in high school. 

Big and flowy was the name of the game. 

Ha! I was such a delinquent. 

And that's only scratching the surface. 😉

I began calling and emailing mom's childhood friends.

Her high school sweetheart.

Prisons she volunteered as chaplain at.

and others who lived far away but would want to know that...

...she's dancing in Glory now.

Joy!

Yet...

Pain.

I searched Facebook for those whose numbers were no longer in service or emails that came back because they were no longer active. 

I did have success in finding everyone so far...

...except one. 

I'll keep searching.

I finally completed mom's obituary and sent it to the funeral home so they could get it out to the newspapers. 

It took forever to write...for so many reasons. 

I obsessed over words, names, format, etc.

Did I say enough?

Did I say too much?

Does it honor her?

Exhausting.

Task completed.

I finally called my dad back after he left the sweetest message a week ago. I've been swimming in this jello of grief and could not seem to pick up the phone to call him.

They've been divorced since I was 5 years old...

but I came from BOTH of them.

And now one important piece is missing.

Pain.

But so good to talk to my dad. 

He's good at keeping things in perspective. 

He's a realist. 

I love my Pops.

So much!

I am mentally exhausted.

Yet joy-filled.

She's with Jesus.

Joy

and

pain

can

exist

together.

I've spent the last 5 years caring for mom in one way or another and am now at a bit of a loss. 

Yet....

God has been gracious enough to bring to mind, SO MANY good things.

ONLY the good things.

Grateful.

Thankful.

Such grace has been given.

I have received beautiful, inspiring, tear-filled messages from people that mom has impacted over her lifetime.

So overwhelming.

I am so encouraged by the legacy she has left...

here.

Yet this makes me miss her even more.

My mom.

Grief.

Pain.

Joy.

Grief.

Pain.

Joy...

And Jesus.